I was meeting a friend for coffee and quiche (uh, and a donut) this morning and as I was about to text her that I was leaving, my phone died. I had no charger in the car and I was forced to run my errands and meet my friend today without the use of my phone.

The following is a transcript of the intimate conversation I had with my phone about its loss of power.

Me: Ok, not a problem. Actually, this is good. I’ve been glued to you more and more and really, this momentary pause in service will be fine. Ugh. But what if my car breaks down or I get a flat tire while I’m out today?

Phone: You idiot. You think I can just play Netflix and Sonos simultaneously while you check your email and exchange text messages after you’ve already run my battery down suuuuuper low and think I’m not going to quit on you? It’s really sad that it comes to this for you to really pay attention to me.

Me: I give you plenty of attention. Obviously. And actually, it is becoming a problem. I really need to start incorporating some blackout hours with you at home. Everyone is talking about this.

Phone: You know how you know everyone is talking about this? Because you are reading about it THROUGH ME. I am your link to all the current events. I am the first thing you pick up in the morning, after, you know, that noisy baby. I’m also the last thing you put down at night, besides the insults you fling at Carrie Mathison.

Me: Listen…

Phone: Hey I’d like to listen to you but I have no power, remember? You have literally drained me. How hard is it to just plug me in? The girls seem to have found an interest in your light sockets lately, why don’t you teach them how to do it? They would LOVE it! But maybe the bigger one, because we both know the little one just pokes at me until I go into lockdown mode.

Me: I know. Can you do something about that lockdown mode? Like, maybe as a default, instead of going into the locked screen you could just stream Jake the Pirate show until the 15 minutes are up? That way, I’m the one locked out instead of the kids? That would be awesome, thanks.

Phone: Yeah, sure. Just add that to my Reminders list that is about 8 scrolls long right now. You know what else should be on that list? Buy a car charger.

Me: I have one. Somewhere…

Phone: Hey, I could look up “somewhere” on my GPS for you, if I had any battery power left.

Me: You are having some serious FOMO right now.

Phone: I CREATED FOMO, LADY! Give me the juice!

Me: We are going home and I will plug you in and you are going to stay there until you’ve reached 100%.